Ahhh, Domestic Bliss

Labels: life, Luke, medication

Racing Heart

Last night was not as good as the night before. My heart was racing and the jitters were back. I was a bit restless. It still wasn't as bad as the very first night so, progress! I never went to sleep last night. I didn't sleep until 10:30-11:00 this morning.


I just came back from the pharmacy and grocery store. Have not been out in awhile. It's cold but, felt good. I sang and danced to the songs on the radio (apple bottom jeans/boots with the fur...). I hate, hate, hate when Luke drives my car and I get in and have to reset my seat and mirrors! UGH!! Drives me crazy.


Last night, I watched regular prime time TV (not Project Runway, yet- I always DVR it). Then, later, I began watching Lost again. I'm down to Season 3. I watched the hands-down HOTTEST episode ever. Maybe ever on TV! The episode called "I Do"- fans of the show will recognize this as the one where Kate and Sawyer have hot and dirty cage sex. *Sigh*

So, it's official. Yep. I have a new boyfriend. Josh Holloway who plays James "Sawyer" Ford on Lost. He is so smokin SEXY. Oh! the dimples. My first kiss was with a guy with great dimples.
Maybe that contributed to the racing heart? I don't know. Who else watches? I know that Kelli and Lindsey watch. I am also down with aggressive, crazy, do-what-I-say Jack. I guess I have a thing for bad asses. The next episode for me is "Tricia Tanaka is Dead"- the where Hurley finds the VW van with the skeletons in it. I watched the very beginning of it, where Kate and Sawyer come back to the camp. What is the deal? Why are they taking it all back? Is he thinking she loves Jack because she wants to go get him? I am liking Kate with Sawyer. I like Jack and Juliet. Jack and Kate are never gonna work. He just thought he liked her, in my opinion. I guess I gotta keep watching to see. I might post some of my thoughts and questions on the TV blog.
I'm reading an Adele Parker book, also. It's called Husbands. I really like it. It's long and well written. I've read another Adele Parker book before and really liked it. It was called Larger Than Life. It's more "chick-fluff" than novel. I have Wicked to read too. Along with the other books you saw. Plus, I know there are some others... somewhere. Anyway, I'm very tired and headachey. Pray there is no jitters and that the only palpitations come from Lost.

Labels: hot guys, Josh Holloway, Lost, medication, new books

2:21 AM

I wrote in my prayer request post that I'm weaning off of Klonopin. It's AWFUL. If you are a "regular" reader you may remember that I did this before. I went from 2 mgs to the 1 mg I'm at now. Now, I'm getting off. I'm doing .75 mg- 1/2 the pill and 1/2 of the other half.


Klonopin is not to be messed with, it's awful. I've been on it for a very, very, very long time. 8+ years. It's a terrible drug to wean off of because of the withdrawals. I have read so much, heard so much. You must go very slow because your body could go into shock, you could have seizures, even die.


The withdrawal symptoms I am experiencing are: restlessness, jitters, feeling like a crackhead who needs a fix (not that i would know how that feels), sweaty, shaky, insomnia, stomach pain, headache, body aches


I went to sleep tonight at 10:00 pm and woke up at 1:30 am. I will not fight it. I will watch TV, movies, read, blog, sleep when I sleep, exercise (hopefully), cook, do some chores, whatever... Even if I have to cry it out. Even if I am miserable through it, I will get through it.


Once I'm off for good, I will be FREE of it. I will feel better. I'm confidante that I will be able to do all I want to do.

• get pregnant
• have babies and be a good mommy
• travel
• go to school
• write FOR REAL

I know that it's attainable for me. I've always wanted to be a mother. When I was a little girl, I had baby dolls and named them and loved them. I love children and they love me. Family is everything to me.

Labels: blah, illness, Klonopin, medication

Let Us Pray

Labels: Kate, Lindsey, me, medication, prayer, prayer request

New Meds and Stuff... (TMI alert)

I lost my mojo. It's the Zoloft. My doc has been trying since last April to get me to try Wellbutrin but, I've been reluctant. I'm so wary of side effects. All she had to say was the words "jittery" and "agitation" and I figured sex was overrated. Well, not completely but, you get my drift. I'm not interested in feeling any of those things because I already do. I take medication for anxiety and am trying to wean off of it and it's a huge horrible ordeal.


Well, turns out, I need more than hugs from the hubs (and so does he) and the Zoloft wasn't getting the entire job done. The anti-depression job, I mean.


My sweet Kate has been telling me about it and made me feel better (and supported) plus, I figured since I already feel like dog poo, what the hell? So, on Friday, I took the Wellbutrin (the W). I take it in the AM and the Zoloft in the PM. So far, so good. The W does not make me jittery but, a little hyper. I'm hoping that when i feel better, this will be a great thing! I was a little emotional and irritable on Friday but, who knows if that was the W or just me?


I need a haircut so bad but, I don't know what to do with it. I want to cut it a lot but I don't think it'll work. The curls, the fat face, etc. I have to have lots of layers and I must wear it curly or wavy. It looks silly straight. Trust me. Plus, I am not doing the whole 2 hour hair straightening, blow dry, flat iron thing. I know me, I'm not doing it.


What should I do? Hmmmm? Any ideas?


Do you have an exercise regime? Tell me about it. How did you start? How did you start from very-very-out-of-shape to exercising regularly. HELP! I need to start. I'm very motivated because we are going on a FABULOUS vacation in May. I'll tell you all about it soon. It's gorgeous, tropical, dreamy...

Labels: anxiety, depression, exercise, hair, medication, vacation

Negative

Remember the story about me going to see Dr B, the endocrinologist? He tested me for Cushing's Syndrome and I'm not really sure what else- mom, feel free to remind me. His nurse/assistant called today to tell me that everything came back normal. I'm glad that, for now, the endocrine side of everything seems under control. He took me off one medication and increased the dosage of two others.

I made an appointment for the MRI. I immediately found out that I need to change it, though. Dr R, the neurologist, has a great nurse and she will be so easy to work with. She told me that Dr R has ordered an MRI of my brain and spine. The appointment is for October 1st but, my parents and grandparents and brother are all going out of town. My papa is getting an award, a big fancy-schmancy, we-are-so-excited-and-proud-award so they are all going. They (everyone that is going) are all "in the business" and that's why they can go to the banquet. Anyway, I need an appointment for later in the week.

My headaches have been really bad lately. The migraine med that I take, Relpax, does work, eventually. I have a backup.... Dilauded but, I use it in extreme emergencies. There are several for this: 1)I know that I have a high chance of becoming addicted to this type of drug and I just don't want that. My paternal grandmother died addicted to pain meds and I don't want that. Addiction runs in my family and I just don't need anymore trouble. 2) When I take the Dilauded, I have to take benadryl and phenergan, too because it makes me VERY, VERY itchy and nauseated. The itching is the worse. If I take the Dilauded, it's a bad headache.

I've had such a hard time with memory, finding words, and following some things lately. The cerebellum controls the muscles and movements so, even if there is something on there, I have no idea if it even explains these problems/symptoms. They are probably medicine related but, being on so many medications it's very hard to tell what is doing what. It's very hard, though, to be dizzy and tired and confused. I find myself unable to follow simple plots in books or television shows- at times. I can't always hold a conversation because I can't follow or find the right words. This is NOT an all the time thing, obviously.

Just remember to keep me in your prayers and SEND ME YOUR PRAYER REQUESTS. I need those names and stories of people who need prayer!!

Love to you all! Thank you for your support
xoxox

Labels: illness, medication

Family Traits

Brown eyes, curly hair, long narrow feet.... all those are things that I've inherited from my parents and their parents and so forth. My long face, my large hips, my thin lips are all from my father's side. My curly hair, the mole on my back, my butt, and most of my personality is from my mother. That's the way it works, though it's not just physical attributes that are inherited. unfortunately.
My grandmother on my daddy's side died tragically young and miserable. And she died addicted. She was addicted to the same type of crap that is bringing me to my knees now. I have a lot of my grandmother's traits- the not so good one's. She was sick. Always. She had TERRIBLE migraines that were debilitating and left her bed-ridden. She had kidney trouble and ultimately died of kidney failure. She was an insomniac, staying up all night smoking and reading or watching tv. And she took medicine. Prescription medication- pain meds, anxiety meds, uppers, downers... I really feel like she (like a lot of people) believed, for a while, that the doctor gave it to her, so it must be ok. She knew that wasn't the truth after awhile because she learned that but, it was too late and very hard to get off the meds.
I remember only small snippets of her. None of them are good. I remember her yelling at Cody (my cousin who is 2 years older than me) and me to be quiet. I know I thought she was mean. But, according to everyone, she loved me to pieces. I was special because I was her baby's little girl. Lil Harry's baby- with the same big brown eyes and long skinnyness that she and my father had. She bought me dresses- the favorite red one with lace and paid to have my picture taken. She did love me. And right now, my heart breaks for her.
A funny story I just heard this past Christmas- I was 3 1/2 when she died, and so I noticed she was gone, obviously. My momma told me that maw maw went to heaven. We were at my granparents' house and I saw her purse hanging in the hallway and said, "Oh no! Mom, maw maw forgot to bring her purse!" How cute am I?
My mom's grandmother suffered from depression. She lived in a time where she could've had any degree of depression and was just dismissed as crazy. Her husband, my great-grandfather, was an alcoholic. I'm sure my family loves all this "airing of the dirty laundry" but, oh well... These particular traits have trickled down the branches ofthe family tree as well. Depression is something I have struggled with and I know many people in the family who have as well.
My poor children have really not a lot of luck in the mixing of the blood pool. Luke has an aunt, his dad's sister, who died from a complication of her addiction. The story is unclear and is really not mine to tell but, I know that Luke really loved her and lost way too many people in his life when he was young. His mother's brother was a terrible drug addict- cocaine and the like. Grandma has told me the horror stories of being the mother of an addict. He died of cancer when Luke was young.
I know mothers of addicts. I know families of addicts. Addicts of drugs that should have killed. The type of horror you "hear" about that "will never happen to you".
A very close and sacred friend of mine had this problem. We will call him William. William came from a good family. His parents sent him to good schools, they loved him and spent time with him. He had extended family, was very smart, sweet and beautiful. He was sensitive and did I mention smart- way smart. His drug problem began very early in his life and was very difficult. He did it all, from what I know... He was injured and should've died probably more than once. I know of at least TWO times for sure. I'm sure my friend has kept a lot from me. Those two times were terrible (that word doesn't even began to describe bcause there isn't one) for all involved. Those times were rougher than rough. Cut to now- William is clean. We are still friends. And I thank God everyday that he survived.
So, an update for those wondering how I'm faring in the battle against the evil benzo... I've decided to do another round of 1.25 mg for the week. I refilled the medicine giver (didn't I say I wasn't gonna talk about my meds?? Well, this is different) on Friday and was gonna go down to 1.15 mg. That would leave me with a whole pill and a crumbly little piece of a pill but, that's what has to happen. I decided to stick with the 1.25 for another week to stabalize myself. I've decided to go slllllllooooooowwwwww. If it takes a year, so be it. It's important to me to get rid of the medicine but, it's important to me to be happy and as well as possible.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Labels: family, medication, personal

Withdrawl is a Mutherfudder

I am having a very difficult time right now. I am struggling with something I am intimately familiar with- depression. The reason is because of something I am also very familiar with but never having to do with myself- addiction.
You all know that I've had my bouts of depression. I have struggled with the dark and deep and desperate feelings of hopelessness and despair. I have had a breakdown. I have felt like there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel, no end in sight and nothing to heal the pain. The dark was so dark and there were days upon days that bled into weeks that I stayed in my bed, didn't want to see anyone, bathe, move... I do still get depressed but, I have better tools and coping skills. I also have medication. Which leads me to-
KLONOPIN. This drug is a benzodiazepine used to relieve anxiety. I have no idea when I was first prescribed this drug. But, it's been years. 2 mg every night for soooo long. And I read that no one should be on it for longer than 4 months. Here's the thing- I'm trying to get off of this medication because you cannot take it while pregnant. You cannot abruptly stop taking medications like this (been there, almost killed everyone in Georgia), you must be under the care of a doctor and must gradually wean yourself off.
I've been doing that, following the system my doctor gave me to wean my body off the drug. It's been very hard but, manageable. Until I got to this point. For whatever reason, I cannot get past this point. this drug is like getting off of cocaine. If you look up this drug and the side effects, they are very severe. I am going through the side effects that are warned about if you ABRUPTLY STOP the medications. Confusion, depression, anxiety, electrical shocks in brain, muscle pain/weakness, nausea, agitation, insomnia... All that fun stuff. My doctor told me today to "just go really slow".
The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines Addiction as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that it's cessation causes severe trauma. Well, there ya go. So, I'm giving myself a big 'ole break! I'm going back to what I can deal with- the dosage that doesn't leave me laying in the fetal position, shaking and crying. I sleep when I can and I'm just giving into that. **Thank you (yet again) to my husband for allowing this to be possible!!!** I'm eating my fruits and veggies, chicken, shrimp and fish (not fried), drinking GALLONS of water and getting whatever kind of exercise I can (dancing around the house with Layla at 3 am to my Fergie!), and I'm getting out of the house when I can. I'm telling people- HEY! I'M IN TROUBLE! I'm not hiding and pretending all is well. Even though I really don't want to talk to anyone very much. And who wants to talk to me?? The depressed, crazy, anxious, jittery, sick, BLAHHHH girl. I'm a barrel of monkeys :)
So, pray for me. Forgive my sporadic blogging.

I'm off to watch my girl Kathy so I can get my laugh on....

Labels: blah, depression, medication, personal