Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Sharing My Truths

I have to be honest. This is a hard thing for me to write about. I want to discuss it because it has affected me over and over in one way, shape or form throughout my life. Suicide.

When I was in the fifth grade, my best friend Brett's dad shot and killed himself. It was so very terrible. Brett was left feeling confused and angry and guilty. Three years later, Brett died and his mom had to go through that alone. I remember talking to Brett in class about his life after THE DEATH. How he dreamt of his dad. How he felt responsible for his mom and sister. How he wished his dad hadn't made that choice.

Later in my life, I began suffering from depression. I was suicidal myself. I was so deeply despondent, hurting so bad that I just wanted to go to sleep forever. I felt that I was so irreparably broken and damaged that everyone would be better if I just died. My life was dark, dark, dark. Nothing had gone the way that I thought it would and I felt so lost and in so much pain. Words cannot adequately describe that time in my life.

I did things to myself. I was a cutter at one time. I picked and picked at my lips, nails, feet until they bled. I punished myself for a lot of things. I over medicated myself and did not care. If I could've been left alone in my bed, that would've been fine.

But, I wasn't cause you know my mama wouldn't do that. She wasn't gonna let me go without a fight! She was scared and mad and all of that but she fought. She got me help and eventually it helped.My great grandmother committed suicide when she was 7 and that was very hard on my grandmother, of course. When talking about suicide, my mom always told me, "Someone has to find you. Usually it's someone who loves you."

I'm talking about this now because it is so important that we all talk about our truths. Depression, anxiety, and the like are diseases and can be treated. These things do not need to be taboo. I just want to encourage everyone to reach out if they are feeling depressed. NOTHING is that bad.

I know that life can be overwhelming. Everyone's story is different. Be kind to each other. Pay attention to your loved ones. If you feel overwhelmed, sad, sad, sad and helpless, reach out to someone. Often times just talking to someone will help you feel a little better. If you or someone you know is suicidal, call 1-800-273-TALK or go to the nearest ER. You are valuable.

I am not ashamed of my past. I hope that my big mouth, my ability to speak and my love of people can help just ONE person. If I can help you or someone you know, please email me at shoeaddict 17 at gmail dot com.

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