Thursday, December 3, 2009

Growing Pains

Bunny just went through a growth spurt. Tuesday and Wednesday night she ate every hour between 9pm-3am with no real rest in between. I was tired, she was tired- it was rough. I don't remember her going through any type of spurt like this before (at 3 weeks or whatever). Last night she did much better. In the evening, she ate every hour (6:30, 7:30 and then 9) but then went to sleep and woke about every three hours like normal.

She sleeps in a co sleeper next to my bed. I just reach over and pick her up to feed her. Sometimes I turn on the tv, sometimes I don't. Sometimes she goes right back to sleep, sometimes she doesn't. I try not to worry too much about a schedule right now because she is still just so young. She frequently has her days and nights mixed up but, I'm not too worried.

Breastfeeding makes me so hungry. And thirsty. And it is certainly burning the calories because I've lost almost all the baby weight. I was overweight to start with so, it's not like I'm "skinny" or anything but, I feel like some of my goals are do-able now. I definitely want to weigh less for the next pregnancy. I think that will make things a lot easier.

Speaking of "next pregnancy", I miss being pregnant. Not as much as I did at first but, I do still miss it. I know that it's weird for some people to think of, but it's true. Still, I don't want to have another baby until Bunny is a little older. I'm still leaning towards 3 (maybe 4) kids total. But, who knows, right? Parenting is so much more wonderful and hard and awesome and scary than I could have ever known before she was born.

Things aren't all smiles and peaceful mother-feeding-baby though. My house is a mess. I'm usually not bathed or teeth brushed until very late in the day, if at all. I don't usually wear a top around my house. It's just easier to wear a nursing bra and bottoms when it's just us. Bunny has spit up on her clothes and has a sour milk smell around her neck a lot of times. And crusty face! I clean it and she gets it again when she eats. I don't bathe her every day because her skin is sensitive like mine. It does better every other day.

I'm constantly worrying that I'm creating bad habits or doing something that will negatively effect her for life. Or at least through childhood. I know that it's normal to worry but it's not fun. I'm worried that I'm not cut out for this and that I shouldn't be doing this. I'm so afraid that I won't be the mother that I want so badly to be. I could stare at her and hold her and love on her all day long but, I gotta cook and clean and do laundry and go shopping and take a bath. And sometimes- none of that happens.

I really don't know how teenagers do it. I don't know how I could have handled the emotions and the stress at any other time in my life. I wouldn't have been able to, I know that. Being a mother is what I've always wanted and hoped for and I'm so glad that I waited until I was prepared. It's inevitable that you'll worry and struggle no matter how old or prepared you are but I think I gave myself a much better chance by waiting. She was so worth it, too. No matter how I smell- she is so worth it.
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