Friday, March 6, 2009

On My Mind

I have not felt well all day. I probably just needed to rest. I have not been sleeping through the night. I wake up between 1-3 a.m. every night. I usually take a bath and read. (I started Prep and it's good. Get it!) Then, I fall back asleep. It's wearing on me so today, I just hung out at home.

Well, and I don't have a car. I had to bring it to the shop early this morning. I am stupid, stupid, stupid. I backed it into Blue's big, tall, giant truck that was parked behind me (at an angle). Blue's truck is fine- my bumper scratched his UGA sticker. The left side of my bumper and tail light is all broken and busted. He was not happy with me at all. I felt/feel so bad about it.

I've gotten back into writing in my journal. It's funny because I sometimes forget that I'm not writing for other people to see there. I've called Blue, Blue, a few times. That is not his real name, of course. I guess I'm used to writing for you. I shouldn't do that all the time, though. Not even here. Sometimes I feel like I'm not truly authentic here. I don't do enough of just writing about whatever I am thinking and feeling.

I am thinking a lot about the different roles we all play. The roles we play in our lives, in the lives of others, in our families. Does the true role that you play fit with who you feel that you are or who you wanted to be? What about the ways that we are all different? What is happiness and important to me may not be the same for all people. That doesn't make it wrong. I also think (a lot) about how much my idea of happiness and success have changed from when I was younger. Even from a few years ago. A lot of that comes from learning about other people, what they do, what makes them happy and relating to that. When you grow up in a small town surrounded by a lot of people who are the same as you, you may not get to see other ways of living.

It's my goal to be more aware of who I truly am and how I truly feel. Me. Not what other people do or say or think or want for me. I want to be true to myself and my own beliefs. I admit that sometimes, I don't know how I feel about a subject or situation. Those are the times that make me feel vulnerable and easily lead. I am not good at being a follower most of the time. I want to be armed with knowledge and understanding.

To Be Continued...
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