Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Urge

I write. A lot. I always have. Pen to paper, that's always been my thing. I've always been crazy about a fresh notebook, a brand new pack of lined notebook paper- I always have a ton. And I'm a big sucker for pretty personalized stationary. I love my name(s), my initials, and monogram.

I've kept a diary/journal (is there a difference) for as long as I can remember. I have memories of writing silly songs at the kitchen table while waiting for my mom to get off the phone. I know I was very young. I taught myself how to read and write early, 4, maybe. I can remember vividly the first time I read by myself. My parents were amazed and I was so proud.

This was one of the many wonderful gifts my mom gave to my brother and me; books and words. She read to us while we were still in her womb. She read to us each night before bed. She joined book clubs so that we had many, many books in our home always. We were always encouraged to read and both of us, well, all three of us, still are avid readers.

I am the writer. I write letters. Yes, still. I write to both of Luke's grandmothers in Georgia. I wrote long letters to my Paw Paw Harry when he was alive. I write letters to Luke, to my mom, to everyone. I do have my own fancy embossed stationary that I just love. It's ivory and plain and elegant and heavy. I also have some fun stationary, too.

I get the urge to write. All. The. Time. It's happening more and more. I'm on unfamiliar ground with the feeling of the my thoughts being poured out onto a screen instead of my familiar handwriting on the paper in front of me. It took awhile for the release to be there, to be found in the typing of the keys instead of the holding of the pen. I have my personal journal that I write in and that will never change. It's like therapy. For me, when something has happened such as a fight with a friend or Luke or whatever, writing my feelings about it in the journal helps me sort out my feelings. Sometimes I see the situation differently. Most times I realize that it's not at all as bad as it seemed or I can better see a resolution.

Now that I have "the story" going, I have had to abandon the pen and put my new found computer skills to use. I am only learning how to do all of this now. I didn't take computer classes in high school. I was sick a lot (A LOT) and missed school a lot (A LOT) so, I was making up the classes I needed instead of electives. Funny how I still managed to go through the dreaded P.E. and the fabulous drama, though, hmmmmm. Anyway, I couldn't even type like a normal person. I hen pecked like the best of them. I learned where to put my hands ("home row keys") in middle school and that was about it. Now, I'm doing much better. I'm certainly not hen pecking anymore.

I am finding myself reaching for my laptop as an addict would reach for her pipe. I need the fix. It's something I NEED to do. I must write. The stories tell themselves to me and I wonder if real writers feel this way. Did Scout haunt Harper Lee? Was Scarlett keeping Margaret Mitchell company while she did her everyday tasks? Did these characters call to their creators and fight to have their stories told or am I schizophrenic?

They say the signs start in early to mid-twenties, right? I'm just saying

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