Monday, April 30, 2007

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

So, I hate clowns. Really hate them. I think they are creepy and scary and I don't like them. I don't like the people dressed as clowns and I really, really HATE pictures or dolls with the painted on faces.
I also am scared of thunder and lightning, more the lighntning. I don't remember being afraid when I was a kid but, I am now.
I also HATE to be chased. I don't like it in fun, I don't like the illusion of it...

These are fears that are true and important. Most people I know are really afraid of something- the dark, flying, bugs, etc... My 6'3", 235 lb brother-in-law is freakishly afraid of mice. I told him that was like elephants being afraid of mice!

But, what are your true fears? Your biggest fears in life. That's what I'm talking about.
I am not afraid of my own death. Not really. I don't want to be tortured or whatever but, I'm ready to die. I know where I'm going and it's much better than this place. But, other people's deaths are my biggest fear. My husband, my parents, my friends... When I think about that, I know that I couldn't stand it. I've had to deal with tragic death before. When I was 13, a boy that I'd known my entire life, Brett, was killed in a car accident. That incident did terrible things to me. Therapy. Not the first time and not the last- ha ha ha.
I am very afraid of the people I love dying, going away. I always say that MISSING SOMEONE is the worst feeling. It's my most hated emotion. It's a feeling that is totally out of your control most of the time. It's an ache that rips your heart out. I know that everybody dies but, I'm not good at it. I know that no one loves it- except, you know, killers, but, I am extra sensitive and I just don't get over things. Certain things... My Paw Paw Harry died in February of 2002. He was 80 and sick. Of course, he deserved to go home to the Lord and be free of all pain. I still to this day get gut wrenchingly (is that even a word?) upset. I miss him so fiercely.
The other big "life fear" is that I'll never have children. That is a huge fear because it's the only thing I've always wanted. My entire life I've always wanted to be a mommy. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a STAR. I know that's hard to believe but, it's true. I was caught at a very young age (3) all dressed up in sequins and such, dancing on the sidewalk in the neighborhood as the cars passed. My mom said she knew they were in trouble. Somehow, I think she knew before then.
So, I knew I wanted to be an entertainer, then more specifically, an actress, as I got older. That didn't go according to plan because I went on vacation and met my husband! But, really, I always wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to write, be a nurse (still do), be a hairdresser, makeup artist, etc... But, I always wanted to be a mom.
I've always had baby dolls. Not those crazy, scary painted face things! I loved my dolls, gave them names (I love names!), rocked them & fed them. I always have pictured myself with a child. I have always felt (as I have become an, gulp, adult) like a mother without a child. For those reasons, and because I'm great with kids, I don't think my fear will become a reality but, that's why it's a fear. My emotions are so great and palpable- I know it makes me difficult. I've finally decided to embrace that it is me! I feel what I feel. this is something I feel passionatly about.
Some of you who know me very well know that, for me, my little girl exists. Yep. I'm delusional AND extremely sensitive!! No, it's just that I've loved the name Isabella for so long and I often dream of "her". ( I have amazingly vivid dreams). When I talk about having kids or whatever it's, Isabella... Even Lindsey agrees that it's like she exists somewhere and is just waiting. That is what I hope.
Luke and I will begin our very emotional, rollar coaster baby-making journey in August! And, you all will be along for the ride! Don't worry... you won't have to suffer through the details.

So, what are your fears? Those things that creep you out (like clowns? Really, they are not funny or cute). And what are your biggest fears in life? Are you fearless? Do you really believe that?

What do you want to see me write about? Do you have ideas for posts? Do you have something you want an opinion on? Place your comments/questions or whatever in the comments section or email me

the only thing we have to fear is fear itself....

Labels: , , ,

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Books I've Read or am Reading

My Archives

April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010

View My Stats

follow shoeaddict17 at

Butterfly Kisses Design